Warming: A Global Hit

Art by Jubilee DelGado

By: Daniel Tierney/Webmaster

Everyday, I look out the window and hope to relish the beautiful winter scene: the glistening snow, the bare trees coated with glistening snow, and the glistening, floating snow doomed to land on the Earth.  However, my eyes are restrained from viewing the magical arctic world by the voluminous nuclear fusion reactor in the sky, whose destructive intentions seem to gain magnitude every year.  Whenever I look out my favorite window, I can just see the global warming.

Humans are naturally about as stubborn as a lead block stuck in the Challenger Deep, and prefer to offer alternate “solutions” because they don’t feel like putting in any effort to tackle the real issue.  Perhaps the greatest and most overused excuse is that global warming is part of a natural cycle.   That excuse, however, does have some value.  The Milankovitch cycles connect Earth’s natural changes in orbit with climate changing trends that last thousands of years.  There are naturally ups and downs, and the results do include a periodic ice age and a periodic not-ice age.  Data collected by scientists greatly supports the hypothesizes that Milankovitch formed.  Believing that the global warming taking place right now is caused by these cycles seems like a great idea, except for a very minor fault.  You see, according to the data collected by scientists, the Earth has been on its cooling phase of the cycle for a couple kiloyears or so.  There needs to be an ice age before Earth can restart the regular heating cycle.  More recent data has indicated a steady rise in temperature since the early 1900’s, so that has got to mean that there was an ice age around the year 1910.

I am a firm believer that the rise in home heating technology and widespread distribution of fire manufacturing tools contributed to the fact that no one noticed this ice age.  The looming threat of the first world war scared it away, effectively reducing its duration to only a few years.  Why haven’t scientists accounted for this little ice age you may ask?  To be honest, I’m still working on that part of the story.

Clearly, the theory that the Milankovitch cycles explain modern global warming collapses on itself, like a submarine exploring the Challenger Deep where the stubborn lead block resides.  When analyzing the additional evidence, such as percentages of methane, CFCs, and carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, it becomes overwhelmingly apparent that human existence is the leading cause of modern global warming.

Now that the blame is properly placed, let us join forces and search for a better reason not to act on global warming.  I know a good place to start: is global warming really that bad?  Sure, a couple of nerds on the TV like to talk about it a lot, and the mystical Green Party says its bad, but what impact will it really have on us?  First of all, the average global temperature would rise from 57°F to 80°F.  No more shoveling snow, and enjoy pool season all year long!  There are only a couple downsides, such as rapidly spreading disease, uninhabitable locations due to heat, shortened lifespan, increased risk of death, growing demand for air conditioners, and extinction of many animal species.  Such high average temperatures would melt all of the glaciers.  The oceans would eventually rise 216 feet.  Citizens of Florida, Delaware, and parts of other coastal states would enjoy the benefits of submarine travel, scenic aquatic life observation opportunities right from the living room window, and free public swimming pools.  There are a few downsides here as well, such as the occasional shark, the occasional floating away while sleeping issue, and the occasional difficulty in getting food through your diving helmet.  Rising ocean levels also tend to decrease property value for those whose houses are submerged (comprehensive studies indicate that underwater homes don’t sell very well.)

Many people don’t seem convinced by the details expressed above, but fear not fellow greedy capitalists.  I took a dive into philosophy and surfaced a neat cycle that we can use to ignore global warming.  I like to call this cycle “The Human Cycle.”  When humans find that a process is inefficient, we like to find ways to improve it.  LED light bulbs are slowly infiltrating the average household, computer manufacturers are putting an emphasis on power consumption vs. performance, and cars are more fuel efficient than ever before.  Some people have even purchased the revolutionary electric Prius.  Electric isn’t cheap, and a few brave individuals have implemented solar panels and wind mills in hopes of selling some electric back to the power company.  In this case, the cheaper solution is better for the Earth, and in a world driven by greed, things will naturally work out.

With time, I believe that the global warming crisis will naturally solve itself.  Efficiency is a byproduct of human research and development.  The money saving solution is the Earth saving solution.  Interrupting our daily routines in order to reduce the speed of climate change is unnecessary when we are moving in that direction anyways.

This sentence describes Dan well. Not this sentence, but the previous. A student who often forgets assignments might compose such a statement hastily at the beginning of class. Because you can assume that, the sentence accurately describes a poor student. Thus, they have completed an assignment asking them to write a short biography. Because they completed the assignment, doesn’t that mean that they are actually a good student, and the biography is wrong? The ability to overthink absolutely anything is an important characteristic of Dan. Dan also enjoys science, reading, writing, philosophizing, and creating new things.

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